Music for a miscarriage

Over the last few days, I really did not think that which had been living inside me was still alive. My body just knew it. Perhaps it was my mind preparing me for the finality of the ultrasound images, but whatever it was, a graceful intuition let me know that today there would be no heartbeat. And now I am swallowing this pill laced with loss a bit easier than I might have otherwise (at least for now).

Last night when sleep would not come, I started a soundtrack of music for a miscarriage in my head. Below are the songs that surfaced for this day with some lines I like and my little reflection next to them. Thank you all for your kind words and support throughout this crazy and befuddling time. Our hearts are achy and numb and jagged around the edges. If anyone wants me to burn the tunes listed below, just let me know and I will send them your way. You really have to hear them to get the full impact of the soundtrack!

Music for when a heart is little bit cracked

Red House Painters—Song for a Blue Guitar Some lines: “In the room all I feel is the cold that you left/ In the air all I see is your face full of blame/ What’s left to see?/ What’s there to see?” Reflection: Because Mark Kozelek’s voice is familiar and his words touching and the tone of his music reaches that sweet space in my soul.

Patty Griffin—When it don’t Come Easy Some lines: “But if you break down,
I'll drive out and find you/ If you forget my love, I'll try to remind you/
And stay by you when it don't come easy/ I don't know nothing except change will come/ Year after year what we do is undone/ Time keeps moving from a crawl to a run/ I wonder if we're gonna ever get home” Reflection: Patty Griffin's voice is like a healing balm. Her lyrics hit at the core of so much involved in the mundane and extraordinary of the human experience. This song reminds me of my mom—I know she would always come out and find me if I was lost or confused. Throughout the fragile time of my short-lived pregnancy, I was reminded of her tenacity for loving her children as I listened to this…

Mahalia Jackson, Take My Hand, Precious Lord Some lines:
Precious Lord, take my hand.
Lead me on, let me stand.
I am tired, I am weak, and worn.
Through the storm, through the night,
Lead me on to the light.
Take my hand, precious Lord,
Lead me home
Reflection: I simply love this song. I love Mahalia Jackson’s voice and the depth of her belief and the grace and guidance she calls for in these old words.

Bob Dylan—Let me Die in My Footsteps Some lines: “And some people thinking that the end is close by, instead of learning to live they are learning to die/ let me die in my footsteps before I go down under the ground.” This song makes me want to live and live well. In my depressive teenage years, I used to listen to this song over and over to help me make it through the days. I still need it.

Robert Johnson—Stones in my Passway Some lines: “I got stones in my passway/ and all my roads seem dark at night/ I got stones in my passway/ and all my roads seem dark at night/ I have pains in my heart/ they have taken my appetite/ I have a bird to whistle/ I have a bird to sing/ Have a bird to whistle/ and I have a bird to sing” Reflection: Cause the blues are good for me right now.

Dirty Three—The Restless Waves Instrumental. The music simply reflects the rises, dips, and plateaus of my emotions over the last many weeks.

Phil Ochs--When I'm Gone Some lines: "Won't see the golden of the sun when I'm gone/
And the evenings and the mornings will be one when I'm gone/
Can't be singing louder than the guns when I'm gone/
So I guess I'll have to do it while I'm here." Reflection: This is our song (kk and me). I first shared it with her when we were newly together, nine years ago, and it is our reminder to work for what is just and right while we are here, to love with a fierce persistence while we are alive, to take in the beauty and plainness of everyday while we still have breath in our lungs.

Chris Bathgate—A Problem in Dissonance Solved Some lines: “The kids they will come out the kids will come out they come, so I will withdraw now cause enough within this world is broke.” This song always makes me well up with emotion. It is melodic and melancholy and touches a nerve of truth somewhere in the cavity of my chest where my heart lives.

Townes Van Zandt—Snow Don’t Fall Some lines: “My love I need not see to know she casts her glance at me/ snow don’t fall on summer’s time/ wind don’t blow below the sea/ my love lies ‘neath frozen skies and waits in sweet repose for me” Reflection: This is my favorite Van Zandt tune and it makes me happy in Winter. It makes me think of hope and how I need it in my life.

Joy Division—Disorder Some Lines: “I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand/ Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man/ New sensations bear the innocence, leave them for another day/ I've got the spirit, lose the feeling, take the shock away.” One of my favorite Joy Division songs; it always makes me contemplative and excited at once. I feel on the edge of something bigger and better and scary when I listen to it.

Remembering American Legion Post 282--injector style

Almost 2 years ago kk gave me a surprise 30th birthday party. She planned every detail of it behind my back. She formed a committee of friends and family who helped her get it all together and in turn I was given the bestest party ever.

Well on Sunday the place where she had this fantastic bash burned to the ground.

In 2006, K got my dad in on the planning for the party—he is an army vet—so he was able to join the American Legion. And kk then booked the basement of American Legion Post 282 in Ypsilanti for the festivities.

My dad called me today to tell me that he had been out to the Taylor American Legion Post to give them a roof estimate and that they informed him Post 282 had been destroyed by fire. Unbeknownst to me or kk, my dad had been keeping up his membership with the Legion since my party and just yesterday he had received his 2008 member card in the mail…He thought it all very coincidental. I had found out about the blaze via the newspaper, but my daddy’s continuation of his membership news really is sticking with me.



Ypsi Fire Fighters at work...photo credit All Things Ypsilanti

I am so sad about the burnage.

The day of my party kk had told me that we were heading down to Detroit to eat dinner with a small, intimate group of friends for my birthday. Then I got this call from my good friend t, who was going to come with us to Detroit, she was a bit frantic, “the saab broke down, and R (her girl-who was also going to come with) and I had it out and I am stuck in the parking lot of the American Legion on Huron. Can you come get me? Do you know where it is?”

My response, “um, yeah, I think I know where it is, and yes, I am on my way to get you.”

I drove into the parking lot and R (T’s girl) was there—I should have been suspicious, but I was oblivious—with the hood of the old saab all propped up. R said, “some old guy down in the basement has some jumper cables; will you come down there with me to get them.”

I said, “yes, let’s go get em.”

Then we traversed through the whole Legion—the back bar area with big screen TVs, photos of Legion members in uniform plastered to the walls, and well-stocked cheap liquor shelved immaculately behind a long, always used bar—through some more, non-descript doors and down some stairs to a basement full up of friends and family screaming out, “Surprise, Surprise, Surprise.”

Boy, was I surprised. Post 282 reminded me of the Fellowship Hall of the church I was raised up in. The place within the church where all kinds of events were held and where my family spent way too much time attending wedding showers, baby showers, church potlucks, large Sunday school classes.




The Basement Hall--waiting for me to arrive...

Kk adapted the not so good for you mid-west/southern food theme that is frequently served up in those church basements and went all out with it. My family and friends had brought the following foods in mass:

Peanut butter and marshmallow fluff on wonder bread
Peanut butter and banana on wonder bread
Jello-fruit salad
Veggie sloppy joe with wonder-like bread buns
Cole-slaw
Potato salad
Better-maid potato chips
A chocolate fountain with all kinds of sweets for dipping
And an enormous sheet cake with a beautiful photo of the late great Johnny Cash embedded in the bright white frosting.

A keg of bud-light which we had tapped out early in the evening—so folks headed to the well-stocked liquor bar upstairs.
Followed by a fifth of Maker’s Mark to finish off the evening

Besides food, kk had arranged for a rockabilly band called the wailin elroys to play music for the evening. She had tried to book Wanda Jackson the Queen of Rockabilly but was short $3000 so instead kk arranged (at no cost) for Wanda to call me and sing to me over the phone Happy Birthday in the parking lot of Post 282. I listened to her crackily, rough twangy voice and looked out on my favorite River (the Huron ) on a beautiful april evening in Ypsilanti with the building next to me full up of the people I love dancing and eating and drinking and talking and having a real fun time (my nephews break danced to rockabilly—oh so cute).


The wailin elroys being introduced by A!

Now Post 282 is totally destroyed. I am so thankful for the memories of 30th b-day party fun at Post 282. And really happy to know that my dad’s membership can still get me into any American Legion (or so he says; he’s going to give me a photo copy of his membership card next time I see him)—so bottoms up to Post 282!

Reminders of Spring

Little Birds...






It's Winter Solstice! After today, the days will stay light a little longer and Spring will be a little closer to erupting in life and loveliness.

As a reminder of the coming spring, I've been listening to an album made for and with children, You are My Little Bird by Elizabeth Mitchell She is able to revive the sweetest gems of songs and make my heart ache with happiness and longing.

Years ago, K and I stumbled upon Mitchell's You are My Flower (with a beautiful cover of A.P. Carter's You are My Flower--Carter Family Fold) and spread the love to many friends with kids, but adult me found it to be so uplifting and good.

And now You are My Little Bird is feeling me up with gleefulness. Birds always bring
out memories of spring--the time of life unfolding in waves of bounty before our eyes. But Winter has little tid-bits of life lingering on the edges. Even the snow is full of new energy falling onto the frozen, semi-inert earth. Problem is when the snow stays put and no new snow falls; the old snow gets all hard and dirtied (from too many cars and too many factories and too many people) and out-right unsightly. When this happens, my yearning for Spring gets bigger.

For now, I will listen to this sweet music and celebrate the coming longer days and today's longest night of the year.