Thursday, October 9, 2008

Quiet

It is fall here in Michigan, and I've been very quiet on this blog lately.
Business accounts for some of the quietness. But, frustration and tiredness with this whole process really accounts for most of the silence.

I have tried to protect our relationship throughout this trying to get pregnant fiasco, and I have done a semi-decent job. I have been there for k through her ups and downs. But it has taken a toll on my emotional well-being. What and who am I in all this?

I already experience a hell-of-a-lot of emotional endurance in the work I do and in the things I care about.

I need a break from this pregnancy shit. I did not want to try this month and we only were able to shoot her up once and k put that clomid shit back into her body for no real reason because we were away from our donor over the weekend and she surged super early cause clomid sucks. and if for some fucking reason this time around one dose of sperm 8-12 hours before her surge does the trick I would pass out. But really and this is for fucking real I HAVE NO HOPE...

and I am done with it.

i like my childless life just fucking fine.
and now I will go back to my silence.

6 comments:

starrhillgirl said...

I'll hold on to some hope for you - somehow it's easier for somebody else.
Hang tight, babe.

jay said...

Me too. Chin up, love. This thing fucking sucks but you'll get there in the end. In the meantime, I send hugs and serious, positive thoughts. xxxx

f said...

ugh. Sorry it's such a mess right now. You two have had a rough time in the last few months with this... it's so hard to know which road is right, for which person, at which time...all of which is subject to change. Add two people, other stressors, hormones, and conflicting desires (often even in the same person, in the same moment), and well, it's amazing anything ever happens. Hang in there, even if "there" means barely and without certainty that any of this matters. And hang onto each other, as much as possible.

Lyn said...

Longtime reader. Haven't commented yet.

Such a long road for you guys and so so so frustrating. Mostly I just wanted to pipe up with some support about wondering "what and who you are in all this"

It is really really hard to be the one trying to hold everything together. You need support, too, so don't completely set your needs aside as you try to hold K together. If you can't get it from K, find someone who can listen to what it's like for YOU. This holds when/if you get that coveted positive test too (I would write only "when", but read "if" if that seems to jinxy).

S. said...

from another longtime reader who hasn't commented yet - just wanted to offer some support. this process can be beyond exhausting - hope you and k can lean on one another and push through. wishing you lots of luck!

tiff said...

thinking of you. i'm sorry this is so ridiculously unfair. xo