Wednesday, December 19, 2007

she started bleeding

ahh fuck.

k's cycle was super long this time around and she went to a 15 day lunar phase; plus she ovulated super late so her whole cycle was like 38 fucking long-ass days.

Why all the sudden is her shit getting very whack?

She spotted on Sunday and Monday (very tiny amounts of pink) and then nothing yesterday. We thought--maybe just maybe...But then this morning she started her period.

So no prego. And now I can go back to the dull drudge of rolling in my winter blues. I am exceedingly depressed and overworked and stressed.

A michigan winter night--strange and beautiful

We had a big old snow storm here on Sunday. It was lovely. I shoveled for hours and went on a snowshoeing adventure through my neighborhood. That's the best thing that has happened in days.

clearing a path during the storm.

Yesterday, I thought I might crack...

Today, I am leaving behind the work I am supposed to be completing while I am technically on my goddamn vacation. For all of the times I try to lift my heart into places of hope, there are the equivalent times of despair. I guess that is where I am floating now--in this hazy despair.

Don't get me wrong--I love so much about my life. But when I seriously start to think about the work that I do day in and day out and the state of the world on top of it, suffocation surfaces. While I do not want to lean on the creation of another being to relieve me of this not being able to breathe, I do believe concentrating on a wee semi-innocent creature would help mend some of the cracks that my work (often fruitless, or at least I am not fortunate enough to see the fruits of it)leave on the surface of my insides.

That said there is no wee creature implanted this time around...We will keep on keeping on and hopefully something will take someday and help lift my heart up out of the thick haze.


vee said...

Ah bollocks. SOrry to hear that, folks. I hope the holidays lift your spirits a little. Here's to babies all round in 2008.

Renee and Janice said...

So sorry to hear your news :( I hate the horrid BFN's and AF, they both just SUCk!! I agree with Vee, hoping 2008 brings us all a viable pregnancy and a new baby :)

andrea m. said...

cheers from up north. i think that k's cycle is whacken because of all that you are doing: 1)introducing sperm!! 2) hoping and stressing and concentrating on her reproduct. organs!! they must be alittle bashful w/ all the attention.
i lift a shovel to 2008! all your hard work and good love bringeth a babe!

starrhillgirl said...

Crap, y'all. Winter is the worst. Teh Worst. I do envy your snow, though. Maybe we'll all be knocked up next month.

Amanda said...

i'm so sorry...
Wish i had read this sooner to send you some good thoughts.