Thursday, November 13, 2008

again the wait

Waiting again. Kk took Clomid this cycle and it fucked her up more than ever. Once again, she did not get an LHsurge and so we just shot semen into the wind.

Our gracious, gracious donor ejaculated the goods approximately six times and maybe during that time k dropped an egg that was robust and full of life and needing to meet a syrupy mate.

who knows?

If nothing occurs this time around, we are taking a break for sure.

we do want a kid. we want to be parents. we want to grow our family. but we are content as is. we are busy motherfuckers.

in all of this longing for children, i have turned inward and often thought what does it mean to be loved; what does it mean to love; do i love well; can i love better; is having a child a selfish endeavor to discover the depths of my love?

some simple answers, and yes, these are super simple answers.
what does it mean to be loved? to open up to love.
what does it mean to love? to give always and know how to accept the love of others.
do i love well? sometimes...
can i love better? always...
is having a child a selfish endeavor to discover the depths of my love? yes and no.

maybe in the end we will remain childless and we will love each other and our family (birth and chosen) with a fierce devotion that grows every minute in its complexity and chaos.

who knows what tomorrow might bring...

4 comments:

starrhillgirl said...

In the midst of some crap I've been hit with, I keep returning to the question of do I want to live a life based out of fear or out of love. I'd say I agree with your answers and I'd add that the work you've done to create your family only serves to underscore the real deal, which is to keep living your lives with love as the base.
God, I'm so sorry the clomid is such a horror. I can't even imagine; it's such a mind-fuck anyway, adding to that must be terrible. (I have an unfilled prescription of femara, if kk wants it. I'd be happy to pass it on.)

halfadozen said...

I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time getting pg. Its my story too, and I send lots of hope your way that this is the time that works.

The femara is a good idea (starhillgirl) or she can also try tamoxifen. I have been on all 3. (Tamioxifen most recently) Clomid is the only one that results in mood issues. The other 2 don't. They all work differently for different people, so it might be just the change you need-- who knows!

Good luck on this cycle...

jay said...

I too am sorry it's so hard :(

GOOD LUCK for this cycle. xx

qweerblue said...

Despite my own politics concerning bringing more little bodies into this world, and despite my seeming increasing distance from your lives, I have surprised myself by feeling emotionally and spiritually invested in your baby-making endeavors. I have spun my own dreams around the child that the two of you would create, over the "it takes a village" framework that I am sure you would embrace--allowing a very eager and delighted me to share in the nurturing of your wee one--and over the notion that gentle, smart, engaged queerfolk like you *need* to raise babies, need to populate this tortured earth with honorable warriors with fierce hearts ... I still believe those things, and deeply. But lately, as you struggle with the creation of a new life, I recall that I have always believed that there was a chance that the child(ren) with whom you may one day share your life and love might already be here, waiting for you...