mad-fucking-rabbits

I could go on and on about how this spring time is full of life and all that jazz and then some more about all the green things peeking up from the dark thick soil that is still probably shaking off the cold from the fierce winter we endured in these parts and how that life energy could potentially be transferring itself into the reproductive arena of kk’s organs, but I will save such words for the poets.

We have been trying this time around like mad-fucking-rabbits, and by mad-fucking rabbits, I do literally mean rabbits that are fucking to reproduce. Not that we have been fucking like mad in the process. But we have been having our potential kid’s bio-dad whack and wiz the jiz and then we have been shooting it all up inside kk like it is some kind of healing liquid—like the rest of our living depends on the liquid moving into something else—becoming a living organism.

I would not call it getting my hopes up. It is just that I’ve been thinking maybe this time around something different than what has been happening (which is absolutely nothing) will happen. Maybe something new will happen cause it is the first time we’ve tried 8 or so days in a row; it is the first time I actually missed an insemination and it is spring, after all. The miss was really hard for me, but maybe the absence of my dirty finger-nailed hands plunging the syringe deep into the fleshy parts of my kk was a good change of scenery for the spermage and kk’s parts. And now she has so many little sperms up in her who knows if the one that ends up sticking was injected with or without my presence.

As for hoping, I will leave it to the wind this time around. I do not want to climb into that place of pitter-patter, heart-sputtering excitement. I do not want to create little schemes in my own head about the future. I want to be here in the present, in the now, enjoying this weather and the growing of things and the life that is all around me—the life that is here now—not the life that may eventually join us.