Tuesday, July 1, 2008

teary eyes

I am trying to figure out if the persistent tears-at-the-edge-of-my-eyes feeling is from work, other parts of my life, the fact that k is spotting once again, or a mixture of the list.

It is gorgeous out. the sun is bellowing brightness like a sky trumpet and summer is full with sound and sight and scent. And here i am wallowing in a weepiness that refuses to let up.

last night i cried for two hours straight. today tears just keep leaking out of my eyes. and i can't think quite right and i am supposed to be writing for work and it is not going so well.

we did find out k has low progesterone, so maybe that is why nothing is sticking. at this point, well, at this point...i just have stopped thinking anything much is really going to happen.

i really cannot attribute this overwhelming sadness to another failed attempt at getting pregnant because i have been in a good place with it all...I know all emotions come to pass and new ones creep in, but this damn teary eyed blurriness is just fucking relentless.

maybe my body got whacked out when i fell down some stairs on sunday night and bruised my ass and arm.

who knows.

who knows.

who knows.


gold star said...

hey, heartbreak. I've been in that sad ass place before. I'm sorry.

And not to be presumptuous, but time after time of trying to get pregnant and then...not, can wear you down pretty deeply. It's sort of vicious, the cycle of hope and disappointment, then working up the enthusiasm over and over. It's exhausting after a while.

Mrs. Bluemont said...

I'm so sorry love. It's got to be so draining.

And I hope you don't think I'm an ass, but maybe it could be a good thing in context that you found out KK is low on progesterone. At least you have a problem that can be addressed relatively easily.

I'm so hopeful for you two. I know it's hard to keep hope for yourself after such disappointment, but know that there are many of us out here holding it for you.


jay said...

i just wanted to say i've been there too and it sucks. and i send you many hugs xx

starrhillgirl said...

Nothing has worn at my emotions like trying to get pregnant. Nothing. I'm not a crier and it makes me cry. It somehow works its way into so many other facets of your life and leaves you (or at least leaves me) drained, like a flat balloon on the floor.

The prog really is an easy fix - can I ask about plans to deal with it? Meds and dosages and such?

Hope is the thing with feathers, as old Emily likes to say.


andrea m. said...

Ditto. All the comments are saying the same things I'm thinking. I was told I had low progest. still do. I cried like a crazy person. still do. and i know i have said this before...something my sis said to me during that time i was trying: all those tears are going to get you closer to what you want. i believe it ladies. my heart strings are pulling for you both, it is one of the saddest things on earth, to want a baby and not have it. keep letting the little person know where to find you...it will come.

tiff said...

I'm sorry lady. I hope you guys can solve the low prog issue soon and something wonderful will happen. xo