Sunday, August 3, 2008

suck nuts

not that I like to.
but I am sad—oh yes—once again.
because—you guessed it—k started bleeding Wednesday, yet again.

I’ve sort of lost count now but I think this is 13 times with no success.

so. suck.

she got her blood drawn friday for all the hormone testing.
we dropped a cup to potential bio dad for the sperm testing.
and Friday k will go get the ultra sound, etc.

I am also mad, not just sad, that I ever got in the business of wanting a kid.

cause it is getting too fucking complicated and I am tired of it.

i really did not have my hopes up this time i am convinced that something is up with kk's insides or that something has gone amiss with bio dad's fluids, but it is all a bit emotionally exhausting and for some reason i seem to take it worse than my lovely. i mean i have even started seriously contemplating what it would be like for me to be pregnant for 9 months and how i would need to learn to pack my fears in a tight little bag and banish them to the place beyond the atmosphere. this contemplating is strange territory for me and very premature, but these visions of a pregnant me are haunting my head and they are weird indeed!

5 comments:

jay said...

i am so sorry. yes it sucks nuts. it sucks big, hairy nuts : (

starrhillgirl said...

Christ. I am so sorry. Keep your head just above water, babe, as you so wisely told me to do. I have all faith that y'all will figure out the best way to make your family.

Strawberry said...

Ugh, I'm really sorry.

I've thought about it coming to the point of me getting pregnant instead of my wife, too, but I dearly hope it never has to come to that either.

Hang in there.

vee said...

Sucks nuts indeed. Hairy sweaty ones. It shouldn't have to be this hard. I hope the tests give you some answers and some hope.

qweerblue said...

Hey, B. Just to be contrary, I have decided to say "no" to this whole "nutsucking" business. I hurt for you, so deeply, but I also want to make sure that you remember to open your eyes and your spirit to what the universe is showing you. Maybe this is not the path for you right now, or maybe it's just more rocky than you expected ... Just try to accept that everything is exactly as it should be and look hard for that place where your expectations and the universe's offerings come together. In the meantime, you know what to do--stay low, keep moving, and don't be afraid to change course. This message has been brought to you from both me and my own lovely, and the letter "L" and the number "3".