Saturday, December 20, 2008

the work

Well I am 6 and half weeks along into this pregnancy, and it is the craziest place I have ever been in my life.

I have this overwhelming feeling of something like guilt but not quite guilt hanging over my head. All of the hopelessness that had built a warrior wall around my heart should be crumbling to pieces and taking on the cloak of thankfulness, but there is still this roar of why me so fast, so just like that, so on the very first try--when for so long we tried with k and we had so much disappointment?

And now here I am with implantation of a wee seed and with a thousand worries manifesting in my mind. See kk is such a vessel of peace and stability, and I am such a vessel of mind chatter. I know crawling through this mind chatter and leaving pieces of it behind is part of my life work, but I keep asking myself can I do it? Am I strong enough? And then I know I am, but how do we really stop telling ourselves stories that fill up the spaces between the known and unknown. Cause really that is what worry is, right? The trying to make sense out of the great unknown...and assigning meanings (whether the meanings are right or not) to the various ways we feel and the various physical responses we experience in our bodies and the various realities that surface all around us everyday.

I am trying to be as chill as I can be. I am trying to take every new crook and turn in my body with a nod and a mantra of all is well with my body and the new life within it. But I feel very weak and inept. I want to be a good partner, good friend, good daughter, good person and right now I feel a bit too self-obsessed to be good.

Not having much of an appetite and forcing food down my throat plus hormonal changes is contributing to this sort of emotional wave riding, but I wanted to get this overall state of being out through writing. It will flit and flight away too and then come back to rest on my rib cage and then leave for a taste of thistle seed and then land again transformed a bit different but with new stories on the tip of its beak and I will try to learn from the chatter by saying hello and petting its wings and then letting it go.


Emilie said...

Hi, I found your blog randomly and have been reading for about a month. I know I don't know you, but my partner and I are so excited for you! My partner lives in Ann Arbor and we're both there the majority of the time, and I saw you're in Ypsi :) Congrats from a fellow Washtenaw-nian.

Stephanie said...

What a great description of worry.

I was just a little farther along this time last year and could only handle eating dried fruit and drinking ovaltine. Bodies are crazy things!

Karen said...

From Beth

Drove by the old homestead tonight on the way to somewhere else, saw that twinkle tree in the window, so dropped by the blog to see what was up. So so happy for you both. Babies have a way of making their own way home.

Congratulations to you and K.

biscodo said...

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being self-obsessed these days. It's the real deal going on in there - and it's sudden and undisputed and on a definite timetable. It's not a project deadline that's one can get an extension on, or hesitate to make sure it's all "just right" before going on. So for that, go ahead and self-obsess. It's what people do, and should do.

The guilt/sorta-guilt about "TryTryTryTryTryTryTryandthenpresto!" ... is it really guilt? I mean, there's a significant component of random in the meeting of a sperm with an egg. Random happens, and that's ok too.

I can't help but think about the way that sometimes when struggling with a difficult problem that a change of scenery, or taking a break, or seeing it from a different direction is the difference - there was nothing wrong with the first train of thought, and it would eventually have gotten there too, it's just that it went *click* at that moment when it changed.

I'm wondering... is k going to take over the blogging since she was "the injector"? ;) Maybe some guest blogging?

vee said...

I'm sure kk's peace and stability are proving essential for your whole new family's wellbeing. Even though her body isn't physically surrounding that little seed, I don't doubt that her essence is. And since they say your body is not really your own during pregnancy, I'd say you're not self-obsessed at all ;-)