she has white in her hair

yesterday, as we stood outside an ann arbor restaurant waiting for a seat to eat dinner with two friends after an exceedingly long day at work, i saw the most beautiful white strands of hair on kk's head.

I've seen them before, but there were more yesterday. the after a storm gleaming, copper gray of dusk mingled with the copper color of kk's hair in a way that made the white stand out. Our friend R said K's gonna be a beautiful old lady with white hair, and i agreed whole heartedly.

She is stunning in these days of her youthful 30s and the white adds a brightness to her head; she almost shines. So, imagine in 15 more years, she will shine even more, and I will drink in her beauty like a sweet elixir that brings me laughter and joy and the same tangible feeling of aliveness that pours through my chest when i witness the morning webs of spiders sidling over the fertile dirt--intricately woven, light side-stepping through the strands almost transparent, almost that bridge to something more eternal than this now.

iui #2 continued

Scene 12
I did eventually wake up after going to bed...and then kk told me i could not just end it like i ended it. I had yet to include the most important parts.

So the saga continues...for one more scene at least.

Scene 13
kk is up in the stirrups. her orangy colored hair compliments the light brown sheets and her brown collar shirt marvelously. Her sun soaked skin is almost like caramel in this setting.

All the ladies are in the room--the midwife S, M the apprentice, and K the apprentice and yours truly (but I am something not-quite-lady like). I hold kk's hand and the three woman stand around her spread eagle legs.

S preps the speculum and slides it into kk, but kk winces so M runs and gets a smaller one (this is strange cause kk is usually wide enough for various objects, but those plastic speculums suck ass and pinch vaginal walls). When she is all propped, S slides the long thingy up to her cervix then through the first hole and then tries to push on into the uterus, but alas kk is blocked (she may have already dropped the egg).

S pulls it back out and kk puts her legs up on S's shoulders and she tried again, but no go. So I just press the thingy and shoot it in her cervix and so is life...

The end of iui #1

p.s. you are all real sweet with your comments and good lucks and such--thank you

iui #1

oh.oh.oh.
oh, how I wish so bad that I had my camera today to document our first midwife iui. It was quite a ride, and now, you who dare to read on, will have to hear all about it.

Scene 1
Morning
kk pees on stick--positive
the injector says, "I told you you should have peed on it last night cause I know it was positive then too."
kk, "I would have to go and get more of this these wasteful sticks."
the injector, "wah, wah, wah."

Scene 2
Injector riding by self to work.
The injector out loud while riding, "today will be hectic. kk will get them all scheduled: donor, midwife, me and kk. does it matter? not really, cause I think we are late. too bad that sucks. we are always too late or too early, or maybe kk's stuff is all dried up? or maybe we are not supposed to have kids? or maybe the world is straight up overpopulated and this is a sign? This trying and trying and no go is some kind of sign. well, there is always my womb. Oh, but then i would have to go without riding my bicycle for a few months...wah wah wah..."

Scene 3
Injector arrives at work with frozen toes
It is unseasonably cold in Michigan and I wore my sandals cause it was supposed to rain all day and I did not want wet runners. Did it rain? of course not.
VM from kk, "Be to S's by 10:45." Talk to kk in live person format. "kk you need to be to her place by 10:45 we have to be there by 11." Note: This means donor has less than one hour to get from ann arbor to ypsilanti; whack his lovely junk; kk get from ann arbor to his place and claim his lovely junk and then kk get back to ann arbor--the center of town on a market day (that's the farmer's market)--NO PARKING for people who drive cars.

Scene 4
Injector on phone with a parent of a client. It is not a good conversation. I will not go into it here because some readers may not understand the complexities connected to my sarcasm, but I am on the phone way too long and furious by the end of the conversation.
Injector leaves work AT 10:45 due to dumb person and simultaneously fuming about the difficulties some people have to go through to get pregnant and the ease that other people (dumb asses in particular) encounter.
Injector arrives by bike at midwife's office at 10:53 and locks bike to a pole. walks into waiting room. good feeling. hostility connected to earlier conversation eradicated.
kk is nowhere to be found.
Injector drinks lots of water.
kk, "I just got the sperm five minutes ago. I am on washtenaw. I will be five more minutes. Come outside and grab the jar from me so S can start the washing process."

the injector, "yes mam."

Scene 5
11 minutes later kk arrives in car on corner with sperm. Injector runs out and claims the jiz wrapped in a large gray smart wool sock. Injector stuffs aforementioned jar in pocket and dodges traffic while crossing back to office/clinic.

Scene 6
Waiting for kk to park while S preps the protein fluid and sperm and vile and all that jazz connected to this process. Injector told to hold jar close and not tip it so that the sperms can swim into the protein fluid and be washed of the stuff that comes off in the cervical canal.

Scene 7
kk arrives and she is beautiful beyond beautiful.

Scene 8
holding sperm for a long time while missing meeting for work. Happier holding sperm than meeting for work.

Scene 9
realize not enough protein fluid in vile. Restart process of holding sperm filled vile with more protein fluid added. During waiting time talk with midwife S and her two very sweet and kind apprentices about many things. Finally, conversation turns to the dangers (actually risks but danger lights went off in my head) of iui. Did you all know a person receiving sperm into uterus can go into anaphylactic shock? Bet ya did not know and now I do and boy did it freak me out and make me say glad it is not me cause I would make myself into a frenzy thinking about the ways in which my body could really truly physically reject sperm and simultaneously kill me.

Scene 10
It is washed and K gets in the stirrups and then S tries to get it through to her uterus but her cervix has already shut and so...

yes. big let down. it is just injected high up into her cervix.

Scene 11
I have to go to bed

more life

I'm trying to write for work and I am having some trouble. I wish all of the mosquitoes that have been chewing on my ankles and ass would bite me with a poison called "write till you can't think power powder". However, I doubt this magical serum exists...

I've been feeling pretty empty--not a good kind of empty--but a heavy emptiness. I just cannot make sense of so much that happens around me. Furthermore, I cannot make sense of this desire I have stirring in me to have a kid. I needed convincing to adventure in to this whole thing and now I am quite present in the complicated mess of conception and simultaneously really annoyed at this tickle that keeps telling me that I am supposed to be a mother (or father/a parent).

For those of you who do not know it, I am really good with children. They like me for some reason. K says it is my hair and also cause I pay attention to them; I think these are good explanations.

The other day I was working the perennial garden here at k's dad's place and the little girl next door was just really excited to learn about plants. I fed her some mint and oregano and she just kept saying, "wow, that's so tool. It's so tool that you can eat these green things."

Her little, "that's so tool" made me laugh and well up with tears all at once. And then when I explained the word dry to her, I could barely stop myself from weeping. I picked some lavender and told her that she could dry it and keep it for a long time and still smell the lovely smell and she said, "I don't know what dry means." And then I explained it to her using a fresh piece of grass and a sun-burnt piece of grass and she really understood it and she ran home to show her mom the lavender and I smiled heavy with longing for something more than this daily rising and working and eating and shitting and creating and sleeping and rising and...

Always when I am up here in this beautiful part of Michigan, my heart gets a bit more vulnerable. There is so much life abounding in the woods and in the lakes. Living things unfurl in wild abandon and I am privy enough to stumble upon their aliveness.

Yesterday, I saw shimmery, pink trillium and yellow ladies' slippers as I rode my bike down the lonely roads. The birch trees yielded a pristine whiteness against the overcast, fog laden sky and Lake Michigan was surrounded by thick air--heavy with humidity and sagging softly to touch the great lake.

lake michigan in fog

a lonely, lovely road


This beauty reminds me of the solitude that I love and the yearning still for more life in my own world. Maybe I just need my garden and the woods to retreat to, but then plants do not ask questions. Nor do they exclaim wonder at their surroundings. So, a child--is that the life I really need?

away from home

i've been traveling. traveling for work. traveling for family. traveling for work.

the end of may through the beginning of june i spent in philly for work. the afsc--that is the organization i am employed by--held a conference--the stopmax campaign conference. I went early to help organize it and prepare and then kk came and attended it too and it was all good and i got really tired. we got to hang out with people we love a lot and check out philly a bit.

after 6 days of non-stop action, i came home and took a few days off work, but proceeded to run errands and take care of household shit that needed attending to. Then we came up here to the great north of michigan to plant flowers at kk's dad's place and to be with k's dad cause he is so tired and sad and to hang with grandma c who is really quite sick. she has lost about 40 punds since february and she is tiny and little and sad. she really did not want to do the chemo and radiation and she ended up doing it mostly for some of her family and seeing her was sad and my heart broke a little today as kk cried and i could not stop the tears from coming out of my own eyes.

now i am up here till next thursday. my intern will meet me here on monday morning and we will write for three and a half solid days. hopefully, we will not experience any distractions and we will get the shit that we need to write all done.

so that is my life in the littlest nutshell.

I am missing spring at home. my gardens are in, but i am not there to tend to them. my absence from my home--the place where my soul is rooted--makes me antsy.

there is a lot swirling around in my head about trying to get pregnant and it not working, but really we have sickness at our door and spring abounds and work lives squarely at the center of our lives and we are away from home and i cannot think about the fact that it just has not been working out.

so now i will think on the fragility surrounding my heart and kk's heart and try to soothe it with the wetness of kisses and the dank throb of bourbon splashing down my throat.

period

.
again