Friday, April 2, 2010

prayers working...for realz...

to those of you who know us in person, please do not take offense to the fact that you may have not heard this directly from us first. this is blog world and a large part of the reason i ever started this blog was to blabber incessantly about this trying to get pregnant that has consumed portions of our lives for the last three years.

i've laid off on the posting about trying, cause it was all starting to drive me a bit mad. i was getting brittle.

and brutal to my own heart. putting effort into something without any results, well, it can get old and tiresome after a bit.

Anyhow, k has been taking femara the last two cycles. it is an estrogen blocker and it makes her eggs develop in a more identifiable way or some shit like that. so the first month did not work.

it just made k strange and emotional.

this month she went in for the ultra sound to detect eggs on day 10 of her cycle instead of day 14. she was almost ready, so then on day 12 she went back and there were some eggs about ready to fall. so she had the trigger shot and we opted out of an iui this month and did a home injection the next evening.

anyhow, then last thursday she peed on a stick and it said, not pregnant. and we were like we knew it...

...it just is not ever gonna happen. the doctor at the clinic acted like it was a for sure thing because of the super positive response to the femara. and we were like ha, she does not know this journey we've been on.

Anyhow, on tuesday k was spotting; on wednesday she called the repro clinic to ask if she should start the femara when she started full on flowing at day three or when she count day three from the spotting day. and then k was like maybe i should check a pregnancy test again just in case and the nurse was like ya do so.

so, k did. and it said pregnant and we were both like no fu.cking way.
we were in total disbelief. then the repro clinic said go for a blood draw, so she did and later that afternoon it said she was pregnant, too.

And so my kk is pregnant. for the very first time in her life, she is pregnant.

I am keeping hope in check cause we know the whole fiasco with me and my pregnancy. she is ultra early on. and she could easily miscarry, so hope is in my back pocket. it gets sat on daily and ground into my ass. simultaneously, i am trying to stay optimistic and send the little spot that is growing inside her lots of good energy.

cause really i am not sure i can go through the whole losing it again thing...argh.
pins and needles, pins and needles, pins and needles for another 8 weeks.

argh.

and good.

last month when the femara did not work, I prayed so hard for my kk to get pregnant. I prayed to that which i do not know, i prayed to that which i think i know, i prayed to the tops of the branches of trees and the sun in the cool spring air; i prayed with cawing of the crows and the soft rush of river water. i prayed that she, my love--my sweet beloved--could have this one thing she wanted so deeply.

and maybe this prayer was heard in the rambling of the rest of our days. maybe it was heard on the tight teeny molecular structure of wind and rain. maybe just maybe, we will be parents 9 months from now.

praying for stickage and all good things.

32 comments:

Anonymous said...

sending love and light and magic from strangers in GA

Anonymous said...

Yay! Congratulations!

motherwilling said...

I know you're still in the cautiously optimistic stage, but I wanted to say congratulations! Enjoy these early days of what will hopefully be a beautiful nine month journey for you and your kk. Sending up good thoughts as well.

f said...

what amazing news. it seemed like you had something up your sleeve, so to speak.

hold onto the hope for now. you'll know how to bracket and contain that hope well enough. but let it grow a bit too.

we're all sitting with you, hoping from afar, waiting from afar, wishing from afar.

so much love to you both. here's hoping this spring brings growth, vitality, greenness and the promise of youth. xo

tessa said...

hoping for you and also Happy for you - for what is possible and every moment becoming more possible! so so happy!

Dee said...

Today is my birthday so that automatically gives you good karma coverage! Best wishes for a sticky egg.

d

jessie said...

I couldn't be happier!!! Congrats! It will stck and you're going to have a little boy. Name him Jesse:)

Jess said...

I'm putting hope in my front pocket! Really, truly, wonderful news. Love and luck to you both.

ang said...

i'm keeping my hope in my jeans pocket, where i can take it out from time to time and hold it in my hands and watch it grow. i'm so excited i can't stand it. love to you both.

Anonymous said...

congrats !

happy and healthy 9 months to you and your kk

i am 17 weeks after 15 years of trying with a femara baby .. femara is cool ..

positive thoughts to you two :)

jessicaH. said...

I've been following your insightful, earth laden, chicken sweat savory blog for years now. the last time i checked in, you and kk looked so romantic on your unwedding day. and now a positive pregnancy test. i am so happy for you, your family, your earth, your chickens. thank you so much for sharing your journey.

Mrs. Basement said...

rock the fuck out!

starrhillgirl said...

Woo and hoo, as the kids say. Woo and hoo!!!!! This news is such that y'all get two woos and hoos. And now three.
A back pocket is a good place to keep your own hope. Close by and safe.

Farmer Femme said...

Oh darlings, I'm so thrilled for you. Many congratulations and all my hope and love and luck to you both. xoxo

la_sale_bete said...

Congratulations!
Sending you good energy and lots of hope from NYC.

Kate said...

I found your blog a few weeks ago and your writing has brought me incredible joy. Thank you!

My partner and I wish you all the best. You will be in our prayers. May there be incredible joy and many celebrations for your sweet family!

~Kate in NJ

the injector said...

so many thank yous to all of you kind people. I love the fact that there are so many of you--strangers and now familiars, due to years of interweb connection--cheering us on and hoping us along. how lovely it would be to one day see your faces in the smiling light of this family we have been trying so hard to make. thank you for the love. thank you for the hope. and thank you for reading.

jay said...

ohhhhhhhhhhhh wowow!!!! totally crying here in the UK!! MANY CONGRATULATIONS!!

praying for stickage here too!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

vee said...

The best fucking news!! Ever! I'm sideswiped with happy tears on a gloomy Wednesday morning and I couldn't be happier for you both. Holding your hope close.

Aly and Elroi and Avie said...

I've been quietly following for so long too and couldn't be more thrilled for you. What a lucky little embryo. What a beautiful family-to-be.

Matilda said...

There is nothing more to add but
WOW.
Congratulations!
I am so happy for you.
And I very much enjoy reading your blog.
And also: congratulations to your unwedding. You two looked beautiful.

andrea said...

Holy love, i just nearly peed my pants. thanks for the suspense (and wisdom and patience and the making of the universe a better place). "talk to your angels" my cranio sacral therapist used to always say. i was so down and out and non believing that i DID start to talk to my angels, gave them names and everything, and i still do. Be your best, let yourself feel great, and keep the faith.

tiff said...

Holy crap. I am sending up prayers for you guys. Stick stick stick for a happy and healthy 9 months. Wow. Huge huge congrats. xoxo

Steph said...

This is awesome news!! Congrats from Oregon!

Kitty said...

That is such good news. Hoping and hoping for 8 uneventful weeks. Sending lots of good thoughts your way from a stranger in Virginia!

Angie said...

how touching... sending happiness, hope and love to both of you and your little bean.

ms. awesome said...

I just found your blog via APW and I already LOVE your first post. It's tugging at my heart strings and I'm gonna keep a little hope in my back pocket for you both for the next 9 months or so. :)

ms. awesome said...

I just found your blog via APW and I already LOVE your first post. It's tugging at my heart strings and I'm gonna keep a little hope in my back pocket for you both for the next 9 months or so. :)

Anonymous said...

I am inspired by your posts on marriage - I just came to your site via Meg on A Practical Wedding - I really hope that you are blessed in your baby news. I shall keep following.

Irene

myryah said...

So happy!!!!!

myryah said...

And beautiful post. Gorgeous, thoughtful, honest writing.

Michael Faith said...

I will keep you all in my thoughts. Love you!