Monday, January 28, 2008

crank

I am cranky.

Yes, cranky.

Maybe it’s the flovent (the steroid I am taking for this bronchial shit that has been invading my chest). Maybe, it’s the fact that for five nights straight I barely slept and then for five other nights I slept very poorly. Maybe it’s that many people in my family (including my mother and father) will never really get how saying “oh” (and nothing more) when I state that it is nearing our 6 or 7 or 8-year anniversary is not a nice response. Or, maybe it is that same family’s (including my mother and father) inability to realize that not asking even one time how this trying to conceive process is going is really insensitive and rude and just plain fucking shameful. Cause, maybe just maybe, I know that they would really rather that we did not try to have a kid at all. After all, two women who love and fuck and love some more really should not be raising children together…

Yes, I’m cranky.

Maybe, it’s that I am going to start my period any moment.
Maybe, it’s that I simply want me being gay to be a god-damn back burner issue—not some dramatic addition to the drama of everyday living. I just want to fucking be.

Yes, I am crank.

5 comments:

tiff said...

You have no idea how much I feel you on this post. If only it could be so simple. Sometimes, I don't know why it can't be. I'm sorry, I know it sucks. That doesn't make it any easier, but know that someone feels your pain.

vee said...

Ah, fuck 'em. They wouldn't get it anyway. Shame people can't find something significant to get aerated about.

amanda said...

Crank it up, girl. Seriously. These are issues we all face and certainly know how disappointing and even infuriating they can be from time to time.
We sent out our entire gut-wrenching story to my family (many of whom had no idea we were trying), and didn't hear back from ANYONE. Well, except one, who gave us a chilly "hope everything works out as you want this year". Nice.
And let me tell you how it feels to hear my whole family go on and on about what my brother and his wife of 1 year (who aren't even happy together) are going to name their kids, not ONCE saying anything to us about it, even though WE'RE trying and their NOT!
Ugh.
Sorry for that rant.
Bottom line is, i feel ya. And congrats on the upcoming anniversary--that is awesome.
We are here for you, and certainly understand what you're going through. i can't tell you how much comfort i've found in fellow bloggers throughout all of this.
As for your family (and i know this is no excuse), they probably just don't "get it". i try to remind myself of that once in a while, but it doesn't do much to numb the hurt.
i'm so sorry.

starrhillgirl said...

Bleh.
I'm so sorry. So fucking sorry. Not that sorry does anything or even means anything here.

And happy anniversary to y'all.

andrea m. said...

well, at least your anger is aimed at family, which can always use a bit of honesty, and not some poor stranger...i remember when i wanted to have a babe i really could have KILLED any nice lady with a babe in arms.
peace. keep loving.