Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Making it through the days of winter

It is cold and snowy here in Michigan. So far this year, we have been hit with many downpours of snow. Beautiful and slushy; thick and slippery; cold and miracle-like how it bends to the curves of the landscape and holds its place among us like a new skin.

I like the snow. I like taking evening walks with kk and breathing in the crisp, cold air and the life that comes with it. Instead of crashing at 8:00 a winter walk gives me the energy to make it till almost 10:00. Then I head to bed with an overwhelming fatigue that is a kind of tired I have never experienced.

While the winter keeps us bound to our home quite a bit more than warmer weather, it also gives me a space to reflect on all of this newness in our life. I am still befuddled at the fact that I am pregnant and worry / nervousness tends to come barreling at my thoughts even though I am trying to stay positive.

Still, not seeing the midwife for another three and half more weeks is a struggle for me. I want to know about this little critter sucking all of the energy out of my flesh and blood and bones. I want to hear its little heart beat, so I can confirm it is really there. It is almost like that yearning to know that god is really living. I want to know that this life inside me is really just that and that it is alive and okay for the time being.

Facing unknown territory is difficult for me. Going toward the blankness—the blanket of not knowing—the gray with no objects, is a challenge that I both am willing and wanting to venture on and at the same fear is potently striding beside me. And I know some of it is so unfounded and ludicrous, but…I tend to paint my own stories onto the blankness; hence, my urge to make up fantastic stories about what is happening to my body.

For instance, on Saturday, k and I snowshoed a good long while. I kind of overdid it, but it felt good. However, I sort of bunked my right shoulder out. It hurt me all night and then it hurt the next two days. And instead of attributing it to the snowshoeing, I started attributing it to an ectopic pregnancy (cause shoulder pain is one of the 10 or more symptoms) and then any little pull on my lower abdomen started spiraling me into researching it more… and well… you get the picture.

I know that no matter what the future holds in these coming months k and I will plunge through it and she will hold me and I will hold her and all of the good, gracious people in our lives will stand with us. I just need to tame my thoughts a bit more and then accept my peaceful moments as gifts.

Winter provides so much pondering time. Maybe too much; maybe not.
I look forward to another winter walk this evening before an arctic cold front comes crashing in on these parts and leaves us more tied to the indoors (9 degrees F not factoring wind chill into the mix is way cold). Tonight I will focus on the good, the positive, the beauty hanging all over my life.


Dee said...

Here's the good news....many first time pregnant folks do exactly the same thing you're doing. It's the idea that you are responsible for growing another human being that makes us insanely paranoid about things being okay. You'll laugh about it later on.


Kirsten said...

It's great that you are active and not sitting on the couch. And I think your fears are entirely normal. Keep your chin up and I can't wait to hear about the rest of your journey.

Kate said...

much love there to ya woman.

mrs. bluemont said...

Beautiful post. I've been thinking of you and kk a lot and wishing you much warmth and rest. You sound good and it's wonderful to hear from you. xoxo

halfadozen said...

Its true-- pergnancy is the ultimate lesson in "giving it up" and losing control... But in the most wonderful and magical way. Not that it makes it any easier (esp when you have a baby IN your body and can feel all those sensations)... I hope the next 3 weeks pass quickly and that the visit to your MW gives you peace...