Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Music for a miscarriage

Over the last few days, I really did not think that which had been living inside me was still alive. My body just knew it. Perhaps it was my mind preparing me for the finality of the ultrasound images, but whatever it was, a graceful intuition let me know that today there would be no heartbeat. And now I am swallowing this pill laced with loss a bit easier than I might have otherwise (at least for now).

Last night when sleep would not come, I started a soundtrack of music for a miscarriage in my head. Below are the songs that surfaced for this day with some lines I like and my little reflection next to them. Thank you all for your kind words and support throughout this crazy and befuddling time. Our hearts are achy and numb and jagged around the edges. If anyone wants me to burn the tunes listed below, just let me know and I will send them your way. You really have to hear them to get the full impact of the soundtrack!

Music for when a heart is little bit cracked

Red House Painters—Song for a Blue Guitar Some lines: “In the room all I feel is the cold that you left/ In the air all I see is your face full of blame/ What’s left to see?/ What’s there to see?” Reflection: Because Mark Kozelek’s voice is familiar and his words touching and the tone of his music reaches that sweet space in my soul.

Patty Griffin—When it don’t Come Easy Some lines: “But if you break down,
I'll drive out and find you/ If you forget my love, I'll try to remind you/
And stay by you when it don't come easy/ I don't know nothing except change will come/ Year after year what we do is undone/ Time keeps moving from a crawl to a run/ I wonder if we're gonna ever get home” Reflection: Patty Griffin's voice is like a healing balm. Her lyrics hit at the core of so much involved in the mundane and extraordinary of the human experience. This song reminds me of my mom—I know she would always come out and find me if I was lost or confused. Throughout the fragile time of my short-lived pregnancy, I was reminded of her tenacity for loving her children as I listened to this…

Mahalia Jackson, Take My Hand, Precious Lord Some lines:
Precious Lord, take my hand.
Lead me on, let me stand.
I am tired, I am weak, and worn.
Through the storm, through the night,
Lead me on to the light.
Take my hand, precious Lord,
Lead me home
Reflection: I simply love this song. I love Mahalia Jackson’s voice and the depth of her belief and the grace and guidance she calls for in these old words.

Bob Dylan—Let me Die in My Footsteps Some lines: “And some people thinking that the end is close by, instead of learning to live they are learning to die/ let me die in my footsteps before I go down under the ground.” This song makes me want to live and live well. In my depressive teenage years, I used to listen to this song over and over to help me make it through the days. I still need it.

Robert Johnson—Stones in my Passway Some lines: “I got stones in my passway/ and all my roads seem dark at night/ I got stones in my passway/ and all my roads seem dark at night/ I have pains in my heart/ they have taken my appetite/ I have a bird to whistle/ I have a bird to sing/ Have a bird to whistle/ and I have a bird to sing” Reflection: Cause the blues are good for me right now.

Dirty Three—The Restless Waves Instrumental. The music simply reflects the rises, dips, and plateaus of my emotions over the last many weeks.

Phil Ochs--When I'm Gone Some lines: "Won't see the golden of the sun when I'm gone/
And the evenings and the mornings will be one when I'm gone/
Can't be singing louder than the guns when I'm gone/
So I guess I'll have to do it while I'm here." Reflection: This is our song (kk and me). I first shared it with her when we were newly together, nine years ago, and it is our reminder to work for what is just and right while we are here, to love with a fierce persistence while we are alive, to take in the beauty and plainness of everyday while we still have breath in our lungs.

Chris Bathgate—A Problem in Dissonance Solved Some lines: “The kids they will come out the kids will come out they come, so I will withdraw now cause enough within this world is broke.” This song always makes me well up with emotion. It is melodic and melancholy and touches a nerve of truth somewhere in the cavity of my chest where my heart lives.

Townes Van Zandt—Snow Don’t Fall Some lines: “My love I need not see to know she casts her glance at me/ snow don’t fall on summer’s time/ wind don’t blow below the sea/ my love lies ‘neath frozen skies and waits in sweet repose for me” Reflection: This is my favorite Van Zandt tune and it makes me happy in Winter. It makes me think of hope and how I need it in my life.

Joy Division—Disorder Some Lines: “I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand/ Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man/ New sensations bear the innocence, leave them for another day/ I've got the spirit, lose the feeling, take the shock away.” One of my favorite Joy Division songs; it always makes me contemplative and excited at once. I feel on the edge of something bigger and better and scary when I listen to it.


Anonymous said...

Oh, baby. I am holding you both so close in my heart. All my love headed west and north, over the mountains to you.

Joy said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this, but it's good to know that you and your kk are strong and will get through it together. I'll have to have my C make me this soundtrack and I'll think of you while listening...

Adventures in Babymaking said...

So, so sorry for the two of you. You are both in my thoughts. This road is a hard one to bear. I'd love a copy of your soundtrack. Those words echo our struggle as well. Hugs.

Stephanie said...

You and K have been on my mind and in my heart all day. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I've felt that empty space where a little one once was too. If you need anything at all...
I'm just so sorry.
Much love.

sandra said...

I am so so sorry.

Anonymous said...

So, so sorry. I wish this didn't happen to anyone, and wish you weren't going through it now.

Att said...

I only know a few of those songs, but it sure does pull at the heartstrings. I am so sorry for your loss, sending warmth and love your way.

f said...

oh. i can't even read this without crying. i'm so so very sorry and heartbroken. sending you both love.

andrea said...

thinking of you both and sending some warmth and love from the middle of my heart. i'm so so sad.

Anonymous said...

I am so terribly, terribly sorry... I am thinking of you guys...

Anonymous said...

I like the Dirty Three, too.

jay said...

I'm SO, SO sorry. xxxx

sarah p. said...

i'm very very sorry. best luck in moving forward from this loss.

1,000 Butterflies said...

i'm so sad and sorry to know that you are going through this. sending healing thoughts your way.

Adventures in Babymaking said...

We had our own miscarriage last Thursday. I downloaded your song list today. Thank you for sharing. I get so tired of being asked, "Is there anything we can do for you?" No, there isn't. It hurts something awful. Your song list has helped though. I hope your healing continues.

Arym said...

I just miscarried husband and my first pregnancy. I started a new playlist on iTunes called Sad...and threw in a couple of songs I listed below. I googled "soundtrack for a miscarriage" and found your post. I love Red House Painters Song For a Blue...somehow it describes exactly how I'm feeling. Haven't listened to the others yet but I have a feeling I'll like them.

I also felt that something died inside me the past few days before we found out the news. Now I feel like my heart has died a little. But we are strong and will move on. I am thankful to have found your blog.

Here's a few that I wanted to share with you. Not sure if they'll resonate with you but they're worth a listen. I hope you're doing better and have had time to recover emotionally and physically over the past couple of months.

- Beautiful, Me'Shell Ndegeocello
- Flightless Bird American Mouth, Iron & Wine
- Heartbreaker, Jenn Grant
- Flume, Bon Iver
- Bobcaygeon, Tragically Hip
- Boats & Birds, Gregory & the Hawk

the injector said...

i am sorry for your loss. many people will say it gets better with time and you may think, "just shut up , already." but, really, it does get better. i am doing better these days and growing lots of things in my gardens. i always remind myself that losing a pregnancy is part of the patterns and cycles of this living we do here on this beautiful planet. holding you in the light. thank you for the songs; i will check them out. be well and take good care of yourself.