Tuesday, June 5, 2007

calcified commitment

Deciding to try to get pregnant, was a journey unto itself. K and I have been together well over 7 years. We have been through the good times, the bad times, the in-between times. We have been learning to love one another and learning that a relationship is a complicated endeavor—it is hard work; it is good work.

Two years into our relationship we went through the last weeks of k’s mother’s life together.

I think experiencing the process of life leaving one who was so loved touched us as individuals and as a couple in ways that we are still processing and discovering. A solidity to our togetherness has been part of that processing—a permanence—an unspoken commitment has calcified around our hearts. When we stare our impermanence in the face and wrestle with the fact that those we love will vanish before our eyes, we are driven to respect, appreciate, and savor the seconds on this planet that we have together.

Being together is beautiful and one of the realest things I have ever done. Everyday we wake to the prospect of tackling the struggles of this world together. Whether those struggles entail getting out of bed and doing the house chores—the work of daily living, gardening, food preparation, cleaning—or the struggles for justice that both of us are engaged in, we are there for one another in support.

Support is this elusive idea that is not quite definable. Do I want it to have the potential for absolute definition?—no. Support may come in the actual preparation of food—the dicing, the slicing, the heating, the blending. Or, it may come in the gentle grasp of a hand after a hard day in the office. Support may be revealed in the strong ears that listen to the venting that accompanies multiple encounters with the variety of people that live in this world.

In the deluge of unwavering, mutual support amidst all that we come up against and in the quiet moments of being alive, k and I put our queer hearts together and decided that our next step in this life should be a bold one. A step toward the creation of something bigger than us—something mysterious and amazing and alive.

The aforementioned is part of the many elements that went into this decision, but in short the fact that we are solid together, in love, and support one another had to exist before we could even contemplate the other dimensions of this decision.

1 comment:

Karen said...

Wow - your reflections are beautiful! And I identify with so much of what you're writing. Much of it exactly what we went through - from the years together when we started (7), to the concern about having a loving, stable relationship before we had a baby. It's bringing back the memories for me.